I Miss the Nurturing Embraces
When was the last time you saw a child calmed by a mother's touch? How often do you hear a parent describe the powerful bond they get holding their children? These ideas took on new significance for me recently.
My lovely and caring friend "Louise" (you'll recall her from our weekend adventure) lost her brother — an influential, positive force in her life — this week to cancer. This latest loss comes just months after losing her mother.
I saw Louise the evening after her brother's passing and reached out instinctively to hug her. She fell into my arms and stayed there. She felt so vulnerable and seemed to draw strength and comfort from our connection. I, in turn, felt the healing power of nurturing someone in pain. It was a simple gesture and yet memorable in the rarity of experience.
Thinking about it later another byproduct of infertility came into focus. For some reason the famous rhesus monkey nurturing experiment popped into my head. In researching that study further I came across this article on womens' drive to tend and befriend.
Here's what I realized. We adults hug and release routinely — barely touching at times. Those of us lucky enough to have a loving mate get the sensual touch, but the nurturing embrace is something lost to those of us with infertility.
I see my friends holding their children in tender, lasting hugs all the time — both parent and child deriving the power of touch and the strength of connecting with someone or something bigger than themselves. Holding Louise, I'd forgotten how much I miss giving and receiving the nurturing embrace. It's not something you do every day — unless you have children.
Posted by Pamela Tsigdinos at 8/16/2007 7:30 AM 
Categories: Infertility Tales, Infertility's Collateral Damage
Categories: Infertility Tales, Infertility's Collateral Damage
This is one of my reasons for becoming a nurse. The need to nurture is strong in most women and usually that need is met by motherhood, but in my case I needed to find another way to care for other people.
By the way, it is also the reason we have four animals!
Interested to read how others fill this need ... thanks for writing about it!
Embarrassed that I submitted without addressing your friend, Louise. I am so sorry to hear of her losses. What a difficult time for her.
As a child, I HATED being held. I wanted to be doing things. These days, sometimes, I just want my husband to hold me, and, luckily, he knows how to do that better than me.
Nurturing touch is something foreign to many English and German cultures, but I have noticed that my friends from a variety of other backgrounds hug one another, hold onto one another, and use simple touch to show caring.
It is true that it is not the same as a mother holding a child, but there is a place for nurturing touch even for those of us without children - if we can get past our cultural conditioning.
Pax,
MLO
I could just feel my mothers touch as I read this post...very true--just something we dont always think about. Hugs and embracing are very under-appreciated.
I'm glad you were there for Louise. I'm sorry she's experiencing such a loss.
This is a very astute observation, about the abundance of nurturing touch parents and children share.
It is an interesting phenomenon that in wester culture, touch is indeed almost non-existant. Particularly when we know that it is such a basic need.
What a powerful image of you holding your friend. I am glad you were able to be there for her.
I find I really need that connection and I look for it where ever I can get it. I could live in my husbands embrace I think - but he needs his space too. I have also gone to my therapist and she just held me for an hour while I cried. Even the little shin squeeze my RE does when I am in the stirrups is nice and comforting.
I also hug my cats and when I am alone like I am this week (traveling for business) I bring along a pillow I can hold / hug when I am feeling lonely or vulnerable.
It would be wonderful if we more easily embraced our friends and relatives and not wait until tragedy strikes to do it. Maybe we can start a new trend. Add it to the list right after "changing the world view of infertility"
Thank for continuing to post such thought provoking comments. I hope the book is coming along well too.
Years ago,when I was looking for volunteer work, I inquired about holding premature babies only to find out that it was a really hard job to get. I thought, what could be better - holding and cooing over tiny babies who needed comfort and care? Not something I could do today, but I try to hug and hold my mum who is in a home with dementia and she loves it.
My sympathies to your friend who has lost so much.
We have a word in Afrikaans: "velhonger" roughly translated as skin hunger, that describes the aching need to touch and be touched for more than just a quick hug. I remember when my sisters boys were babies, I couldn't bring myself to hold them for longer than a minute or so - the desire to have them sleeping in my arms, that nurturing I needed to give a child was so strong that I didn't dare give in to it even for a few minutes - I knew how excruciating it would be to tear myself loose again and then the longing would be increased millionfold when I'm alone. Since my marriage started to fall apart, it has been one of the most difficult things to deal with, and some days I think it has the power to make you physically ill - the need to cuddle up with another human being.
Deathstar's comment reminded me of the Kangaroo Care baby treatment. Here is a link - http://www.prematurity.org/baby/kangaroo.html - hope it doesn't upset anyone, my apologies in advance if it does.
I understand exactly what you mean. Very well put.
Bea
I'm sorry to hear about your friend's loss and glad you were able to be there for her. A simple hug can do so much for someone. Sometimes at my low moments of IF, I just wanted to have my mom or Best friend physically there. Its not the same over the phone.