A New Voice
I wouldn't wish infertility on my worst enemy. Let me repeat: I wouldn't wish infertility on my worst enemy.
Now that we've got that out of the way there is one very important gift I've received as a result of my own struggles with infertility. I have had the opportunity to come to know some amazing women — many of you reading this right now are among them. I fervently wish we had met under vastly different circumstances but that's just not the case.
One woman, who writes under the pseudonym "Deathstar," has been a regular reader and insightful commentator on this blog. I've benefitted greatly from her support. She is a very strong person with many gifts. She has also just started her own blog called A Woman My Age. Please welcome her and give her the same support and understanding you've all shown me. I know you'll like one of her first posts: Thoughtless Stupid Ass Things People Say - Part I. I can't wait for Part II.
Oh, and since we're on the topic of amazing women I'd also like to point out a beautiful post written by Sharah who has created a candle for use by the infertility community. You'll be as touched by it as I am.
And I'm still taking suggestions, per the post below, on how to answer the question, "do you have kids?"
Now that we've got that out of the way there is one very important gift I've received as a result of my own struggles with infertility. I have had the opportunity to come to know some amazing women — many of you reading this right now are among them. I fervently wish we had met under vastly different circumstances but that's just not the case.
One woman, who writes under the pseudonym "Deathstar," has been a regular reader and insightful commentator on this blog. I've benefitted greatly from her support. She is a very strong person with many gifts. She has also just started her own blog called A Woman My Age. Please welcome her and give her the same support and understanding you've all shown me. I know you'll like one of her first posts: Thoughtless Stupid Ass Things People Say - Part I. I can't wait for Part II.
Oh, and since we're on the topic of amazing women I'd also like to point out a beautiful post written by Sharah who has created a candle for use by the infertility community. You'll be as touched by it as I am.
And I'm still taking suggestions, per the post below, on how to answer the question, "do you have kids?"
Posted by Pamela Tsigdinos at 8/19/2007 7:33 AM 
Categories: Infertility Tales, Memo to The Fertile Community
Categories: Infertility Tales, Memo to The Fertile Community
How about "Well, that's much more of a complex question than you'd think. Do you really want to talk about that, or can we chit chat about (the weather) (our work) (sports?, (etc)"
Thank you so much, PJ, for the shout out. I'm thrilled at the response. I definitely feel welcomed - and most importantly, not alone.
You're absolutely right, I wouldn't wish infertility on my worst enemy, but every now and again I would wish it on my supposed friends - like - J, who knew I'd been trying for ages, so announced her third pregnancy to me with the words 'I didn't know whether to tell you or not, because I know you've been trying so hard, and it's so easy for me' and then proceeded to spend the entire hour of her visit discussing her pregnancy symptoms, telling me she'd been 'completely obsessed' the first month of trying, but then for the second month had 'just relaxed', and had I heard you could buy 'ovulation tests?'? Oh, and 'there was no way she was going through this again'. Ha ha! How we laughed.
Now I've got that off my chest - I don't at all mind the 'have you got kids?' question. I think if I get oversensitive on people trying to make small talk to me, then I have to accept them walking on eggshells around me, ever after, which I'd hate. And what about all the other potentially hurtful questions? Have you siblings? No he committed suicide. What do you do for a living? I was made redundant 2 weeks ago. Have you a dog? I'd LOVE to, but I'm allergic to all animals. Is that a photo of your father? No - he's dead. (And that was from a teenager). All these answers have happened to me. (Strangely the one most upset was the one who couldn't have pets!)
So - when people ask me - I say 'no, I had a miscarriage, so keep your fingers crossed for me next time, huh?'. I just think it's good to raise awareness. And it's amazing how many women seem to have had miscarriages - I don't think its the one in four commonly quoted - it's much higher.
Sorry for the long comment!
When faced with the question "do you have kids?" I usually abandon any last shred of pretense that might exist within me and go for straight-up honesty. My attitude has become if you are brave enough to ask me then you are going to have to listen to a real answer, not an "I don't know, maybe someday" line that is meant to make the asker feel comfortable and warm and fuzzy. I left warm and fuzzy behind too long ago to tiptoe through the mine field laid by this question. Sometimes I inject humor by saying "it's a topic best discussed over drinks and you'd definitely be buying" but mostly I go right for the gut and tell it like it is.