You Found Me How? Part Deux

search terms
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search termsYou can learn so much from the search terms people type in. As I’ve done in the past, I’m sharing a few of the more unusual search queries that brought readers to my blog. I’m betting they got more than they bargained for when they got here.  Barren and Beautiful, what the????

coming to terms with motherhood

You are so lost…try the mommy blog circuit or one of the thousands of MOM’s Clubs where the discussion topics range from bragging about how smart, cute or unique their children are to complaining about the challenges of raising kids who are intent on sticking around until their AARP membership packages arrive.

how much do the goselins make per episode

Too much is my guess. Anyone who uses their children to earn an income shouldn’t have been allowed to become parents in the first place.

the best kinds of exercise for involuntary childless people

A very interesting question — one I haven’t given much thought to until this query. But here’s something to consider: you won’t ever have to worry about an indignant offspring coming upon you unexpectedly, rolling their eyes and calling you “weird” for trying to stay healthy or in shape … so let your hair down, get a little creative and wear (or not) whatever the heck you please while you exercise your heart out.

trying to get pregnant ttc “with an iud”

First, and most importantly, remove the IUD. Now good luck.

“biological clock bullshit”

You seem a little angry. PMS perhaps? Or are you just pissed about the fact that we’re not able to delay the onset of aging? (I know. It pisses me off, too, at times.)

“how to be infertile”

Is this a goal? Because if it is, take it from me, you don’t want to volunteer for this duty. It’s got all sorts of lingering side effects. If you don’t want children, just talk to your doctor about birth control. It’s a lot less complicated.

“my brother is a priest”

Not sure if you’re happy, sad or just plain perplexed by his occupational choice. My brother isn’t a priest, but he’s a really cool guy who, I’m guessing, would have been an unreliable priest since he rarely shows up for mass.

can my baby be baptized catholic if he was conceived through ivf

See the person above. He or she can introduce you to the priest brother. The priest and his pals at the Vatican, no doubt, have some thoughts on that question.

barren women who concieved

You must have been absent that day in fifth grade English class when your teacher explained that it’s “i” after “e” except after “c.” More importantly, you seem to misunderstand the definition of “barren.” It means unable to bear fruit or conceive. What you’ve described here is an oxymoron — plain and simple.

dr. pamela jeanne

No, I’m not a doctor although some may think I play one on the Internet. Actually it’s difficult to be an Internet doctor. It’s really hard to type wearing those sterile rubber gloves.

Okay, now it’s your turn. What are the more unusual search terms/queries you’ve seen in your blogging experience?

18 comments

  • Oh, this was funny! Seriously, tho, i don’t know how to do such a check. I’m kind of a clueless blogger.

    I think i’ found your blog by looking for folks who are involuntarily childless & how they are handling it. We want children so much, but that may not come to us, & i want to be able to handle it in a way that doesn’t have me crazy!

    Thank you for your blog. I’ve enjoyed it very much.

  • monica lemoine

    brilliant! the catholic baby one is my favorite…

  • I’d love to know how to do those kind of checks. You make me smile – I love your wicked sense of humour!

  • Kate

    Ah Pamela,

    Loved the IUD one. Just the chuckle I needed. Not a chuckle through tears… yet. I’m stuffing those watery things waaaay down to my toes. Tired of crying.

    I already know how to live involuntarily childfree. It’s just getting back on THAT horse that will be the challenge.

    Thanks for being you and being the advocate that you are!

  • I get a lot of queries that pertain to “Plan B” the backup birth control pill … which totally cracks me up.

  • I too am not sure how you find these things out… but these (& your responses!) are hilarious! Thanks for the day-brightener on a dark, rainy morning!

  • Io

    I’m always so amazed how people find me. And then I think of the weird shit I enter into google…
    I like my “Can I get high from smoking stork?” and “fuckfuckfuck and what.? love” and of course “who shot my stork?” which is what *I* want to know!

  • Dr. Pamela Jeanne. It suits you.

    My favorite today is: “work from home get screwed.” Hmm. Sounds kind of good right about now. As long as it’s my husband doing the screwing and not some unscrupulous employer.

    My all time favorite, though, has to be: “how to get f*cked up on things you have around the house.” What? As I said in a recent post, perhaps there is a secret intoxicating blend of the right proportions of baking soda, dog food, cumin and shampoo that I don’t know about.

  • DD

    I had the same search about baptism and catholic and ivf show up recently.

    My answer is that the priest and the church and the vatican have no business knowing how a baby is conceived (on your back; in a car; by the UPS man), much less if it’s through IVF.

  • My two most frequently googled phrases/words are:

    “How to mess with a girl’s head” or similar, which happened to be the title of one of my posts; and

    “boobometer”, which I used recently.

    So, I’m giving YOU them so you can get all those particular crazy googlers and I can have some new ones!

  • TTC with an IUD, huh? Time for some remedial birds and bees. This was very funny. I haven’t dared yet at my search terms.

  • waterbishop

    OK, either my posts are really dull or I don’t know how to check the search terms correctly.
    I get a lot of “crazy talk in marriage” or “crazy people’s intuitions”.

  • My all time favorite is “what to do when you have assholes for children.”

  • Geohde

    You know I can’t comment here because I have so very many whacko or porno searches 🙂

    J

  • Just wanted to say thanks for your comment on my Parental Advisory post! I must look out for an “I” symbol…

  • Dr. Pamela Jeanne,

    You are too funny! My FEEDjit searches were boring today… just ones I would expect.

    However, I have gotten some funny ones and strange ones and all that before.

    Back when I was blogging my displeasure about Julianne Hough and Lacey Schwimmer announcing their “endometriosis” BEFORE having had any laparoscopic surgery to diagnose endo, I used to get some real winners.

    One I got several times a day was:

    “Does Julianne Hough have breast implants?”

    This came up day after day.

    I had a bunch of searches for Julianne or Lacey with all kinds of weird sentences that I can’t remember – but they were something else. I wish I could remember them.

    I had run a Disney video from the 1940s about menstruation on my blog. I’m sure the many Disney searchers weren’t looking for that but that’s what they got on my blog! It was a very sexist, condescending clip called “The Story of Menstruation”. It made it sound like a woman’s “job” in life was to get married and pregnant. It was horrid but I posted it for the purpose of mocking it. It was co-sponsored by Kotex. A classic.

    Anyway, your list is so funny I’m inspired to start keeping track of mine too.

    You crack me up!

    Jeanne

  • You are too funny! I’ve received some crazy searchers, but on the more ironic are the ones that are looking for ways of having self-induced miscarriages on an infertility and recurrent miscarriage blog.

    I have 1 posts that lists the reasons for miscarriages and another that lists herbs that may cause miscarriage. I’ve gotten people who are searching for “natural herbs to induce miscarriage” “abortion herbs” “natural abortion” etc. It amazes me that there are just as many women seeking abortion as there are those who are looking for ways to prevent miscarriage.