Greeting Cards, Ads You’ll Never See

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Mother's DayWe’re days away from from a certain “M” day.

I know, as in years past, that if I’m out and about the second Sunday in May, I’ll get more than one person wishing me a Happy Mothers Day. It’s quite surreal. They always catch me off guard. I can’t help but look for the hidden camera. Have I been Punk’d? Is it like St. Patrick’s Day. Is every woman suddenly a “mom” on Mother’s Day?

The casual “now have a happy M day” cheerfully delivered once tore me apart. The “M” didn’t stand for Mother. It stood for Mourning. How many tears have I wept on that day? More than enough to fill a Great Lake … for lost children, lost chances, loss of innocence, loss of my future as a grandmother (you can’t say I don’t have range when it comes to mourning). The weeks just before, when the marketing machine was going full tilt, served up torturous, painful reminders that took a few weeks to get over.

I’ve come a long way since those sad and angry days. This year I am not going to let it get the upper hand or flatten me. I’m not going to hit delete as fast as the “M” subject header shows up in my inbox. It’s time to teach “M” Day providers a little lesson. I’m going to forward the ads to the customer service department and ask what sort of specials they offer for infertile women. I can be as cheeky as the people serving up the unwanted emails.

Meanwhile who wants to join me for a little laughter is the best medicine? Tap into your creative side. You know you want to …

I’ll start…

Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, Your Uterus is Whack, But That Hardly Describes You!

 

24 comments

  • Outside: Becoming a Mom can be a real pain in the butt.
    Graphic: The outline of a woman with a dotted heart on her butt cheek, a nervous looking husband with a feeble smile on his face, holding a hormone injection.

    Inside: Happy NIAW! Good luck on the road ahead.

    🙂

  • Seen (in my dreams):

    – Prominently displayed signs at Hallmark stores, supermarket checkouts, florists, and bookstores, reading “This NIAW…show her how much you care with the gift of 6 vials of top quality, washed, 20 million post-thaw count donor sperm! Because nothing says I love you like really great sperm.”
    – At the best brunch joints in town: “Free brunch for all infertiles, past and present. Because nothing says I love you like all-you-can-eat waffles.”
    – At your local Starbucks or other favorite coffee shop: “For the week of April 25-May 2, children and momzillas will not be welcome in this establishment. In honor of NIAW, we have replaced all regular chairs with the big comfy ones, provided free wireless internet access for all our valued ALI blogger clients, and will be offering free shots of your favorite booze in your coffee of choice. Anyone ordering decaf will be immediately escorted from the premises. Because nothing says I love you like a safe haven.”

  • (front of card)

    HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!

    (inside card)

    With love from all your dead children.

    (I’ll submit another entry later on the lighter side of the spectrum.)

  • Shaz

    I LOVE your Roses are Red … that’s CLASSIC, really made me laugh.
    The Misfit, I’ve told people that before when they’ve wished me Happy Mother’s day at restaurants, it can shut someone up really fast.
    I’m not so good at writing these things, but how about:

    “Just RELAX and enjoy your day!”

  • (Outside)
    “The family line may stop here”
    (graphic) lined up mother, daughter and just the traced outline of what would be a little girl.

    (Inside)
    But so do:

    Baby fat
    Sleepless nights,
    Stinky diapers,
    Mind numbing baby talk
    Bedwetting
    String cheese on your backseat
    Pink mayo and blue gum
    Fortunes spent on preschool
    Disappointing report cards
    Timed sex
    Low libido
    Teenage contempt
    And all the extra anxiety your nervous system just doesn’t need.

    HAPPY NIAW!

  • Oh, I can just imagine the kinds of responses you’re going to get from Customer Service… makes me snicker just to think of it. And yeah, why do people assume because you’re a woman that they should wish you that? I’ve always thought it so bizarre and rather presumptuous to casually wish someone I don’t know a HMD. Bravo to Resolve for getting NIAW out there and in front of Mother’s Day. It’s like a big ‘hello?!?!’

  • I thought my comment was going to get bounced for being too negative 🙂

    • Pamela Jeanne

      um, in the world of infertility there can be no such thing —  after what we’ve been through everything is positive by comparison…

  • Zee

    With apologies to whoever wrote the first day of bootcamp scene in An Officer and a Gentleman, I came up with this:

    Outside of card:
    “There are two kinds of women in this world: Breeders and Leaders.”
    (Not sure about the graphic, as visual art is NOT my forte, but it needs to be something clever)

    Inside of card:
    And I don’t see no belly on you, so you must be a leader! Happy NIAW!

    (OOOOH! Thems fighin’ words!)

  • bankie

    NIAW Special!!

    EASTER EGGS – BUY ONE GET ONE FREE!!!
    OK, so the eggs are a bit past their sell by date, but you’re used to that right?

  • Cindy

    On the outside:
    I promise not to smother you in cliches:
    Just Relax!
    You can have mine.
    It was meant to be.
    If only you have enough faith . . .

    Inside:
    I promise to listen over a cup of coffee when you need to vent.
    To be there when you need to cry.
    And to do my best to understand.

    Your friend in the peaks and valleys.

  • Cindy

    Outside:
    Warning! Hormones In Use.
    Severe and unpredictable mood swings are likely.

    Inside:
    I’ll bring the chocolate and we can ride out this storm together!

    Thinking of you during NIAW!

  • Jen B

    Every Mother’s Day, I receive a cute mommy card from my two dogs. My husband actually holds the pen in their paws when he signs their names.

    I can’t even tell you how much I love that man. 🙂

  • Willow

    Yay! A contest. Hmmm. Need to think about this one. Well, your book coming out right now couldn’t be more apropos!

    You’ve been a great leader in the IF Awareness movement… unwitting or otherwise. I’m happy to join you in being a loudmouth about it…sucky as it is. There’s a rebellious part of me that’s looking forward to being asked how many kids I have… I have a slew of answers lined up depending on my mood. 😉

  • Me

    I REGULARLY forward those emails back to the originator informing them that I am NOT in their target demographic. I got one add somehow related to babies on my Facebook page and informed them that people who are members of the “Infertility Awareness” group are likely not in their target demographic and they need to do a little better market research before spamming people in the future. 🙂

  • My own creativity is lacking at the moment, but these are hilarious!!

  • Dorothy

    I just found your website and love it.

    Here’s my poem:

    Roses are red,
    Violets are blue,
    All my love,
    to the family of two.

  • marina

    i don’t know how your “quest” turned out but…
    i guess many responses from customer service said something about “you might not be a mother but certainly have/had one”… because it has happened to me.