Amadeus and The Ultimate Test


That’s a clue for my answer to some complex questions that came this weekend from Silent Sorority readers. The ideas and emotions contained in their questions were remarkably familiar — so
much so they could have come straight out of my own head a few years ago. I guess, by now, I shouldn’t be startled by the depth of the shared infertility experience. I’m sure they’ll evoke some deja
vu for you, too. The questions pose the ultimate test for infertiles who don’t succeed with treatment — overcoming anger and finding peace.

First came this email:

“I’ve been having a rough go of it lately and have been pretty messed up.It’s kind of the kick off of the fun family/kid centric holiday season and I know it’s always really hard for me.
Something you wrote about in your book and talk about at times is an issue that I’m dealing with. How did you move beyond the resentment of people who do have children? I absolutely hate
feeling this way. I’m even starting to resent my dr. and therapist, not good. I just see everyone with kids as having something I can’t, won’t. On some level, I understand it is the way it is
supposed to be. On the other hand, I just want to isolate myself from all those with kids. So frustrating,and impossible too! Does it just fade away?”

» Read more

A Belief in a Just World? Ah! That’s Why Fertiles Don’t Care

I’ve been mulling over an idea sparked by the work of social psychologist Melvin Lerner. Mr. Lerner’s work surfaced in a recent New York Times piece. Curiously, the article had nothing whatsoever to do with infertility but that didn’t stop me from linking his work to those unable to conceive or successfully bear children. (Sigh. It’s true. No longer consumed […]

» Read more

Role Models and Putting Emotions Work

I’m devoting this year to making huge leaps and bounds in managing my infertility and its legacy. For the first time since my IVF failures I am going to look to the future no longer handicapped by confusion and ambiguity. If all goes well, I expect to exit the cul-de-sac I’ve been navigating aimlessly once and for all. Among other […]

» Read more

Revealing the Elephant in the Room

Infertility is like the elephant in the room. We all know it’s there but few are willing to acknowledge it. It strikes our sisters and brothers, our sons and daughters, our cousins, our friends, our colleagues and people all around us in the grocery store, the mall, the park. It can affect, in so many ways, the lives of persons sitting next to […]

» Read more

Please Hold For The Children


Children — especially preparing for them during fertility treatments — play a central role in our lives. When children don’t arrive it can be devastating. Can someone please turn off that annoying hold music? I’m sure some of you can hear it. For those of you who can’t, you’ll have to imagine that irritating music that plays on the phone […]

» Read more

Avoiding Cul-de-Sacs

With time to ponder on a long flight home I formulated a new travel-related analogy  to characterize the difference between living life fertile vs. infertile. The fertile contigent lives life to a large degree on autopilot with many of life’s milestones neatly laid out: first baby shower; baby’s first words; first tooth; first Halloween; first day of school; first tooth […]

» Read more
1 2