I’ve long been hoping that it would only be a matter of time before I’d recuperate in some way from all I’ve lived through especially now that the hyperactive, super-human pursuit of creating a child no longer dictates how I live day to day, week to week and month to month While some of the more primal, raw emotions have dissipated, a different continuum of emotions have succeeded them.
I’m not alone. Each day it seems I hear from readers who are moving or have moved to this new phase along with me. It’s led me to a new thesis on how infertility affects us – the “I’m ready to move on, but my heart won’t seem to let me.”
Those of us in this phase are well beyond the initial shock. We accept our condition, but we’re not done yet. No, we face a multitude of secondary responses and feelings. Many had been submarined because they were too painful or overwhelming in their own right to address in the heat of the treatment battle. These old and new emotions surface in a less overt way, but they need to be worked over and through just as the earlier emotions did. While I’m proud to report that I’ve thoroughly mastered getting down the personal care aisle without succumbing to the siren song of home ovulation and/or pregnancy kits, I’ve learned that there’s more to infertility than simply conceiving a child.
Along these lines, I’d like to introduce you to a new blogger, Karen from Pretoria, who describes “just waking up from the numbness that infertility brings.” I (and I’m sure many others who regularly visit my blog) know well of what Karen writes…
“This jumbling chaos in my soul that needs to be organized by writing about it. When I’ve given every thought, emotion, and question it’s place in the library of my mind, maybe I’d be able to make sense of everything. Any maybe someone else might benefit from it as well.”
I hear and understand you so well, Karen. It takes more than continents or oceans to separate our experiences. I hope we, and the so many of those like us, can figure it out together.
April 9, 2007 7:39 am
Dear Pamela, yes we’re not alone. And knowing that makes life easier. Thanks so much for the welcome, and your comment on my blog! It felt like a nice warm hug all the way across the oceans! 🙂
April 9, 2007 4:47 pm
Hello to Karen — I will check out your blog. : )
April 10, 2007 12:04 am
In order to move on, I had my last 2 frozen embryos transferred in a natural FET last week. I actually did it so I could get on with my life, not to get pregnant. I don’t expect that I will, I had expected that quite a few times before and my heart was broken, so now my prayer has changed to letting go and accepting that whatever happens will be for the best, whether I like it or not. Funny, eh? I actually put myself in the limbo known as the 2 week wait on purpose. But I knew that I had to do this, I paid good money to get those embryos, they were mine, dammit and if they were going to expire, it was going to be in me.
There’s a new clinic in town and the website is all very zen and soothing, it’s like a siren song to infertiles. But I know my journey ends with this FET. I have a wonderful marriage and I intend to keep it. I have a lot to be grateful for, and as shitty as I’m going to feel if there isn’t a baby 9 months from now (notice I didn’t say getting pregnant, cause that’s only half the battle) I remember how happy I used to be before this whole IF business. I will never be the same woman again, but there has to be life after IF, right?
April 10, 2007 12:15 am
Taking action is so much better than living in limbo! I applaud your move to find resolution. And, yes, there are happier days out there for all of us…
April 10, 2007 5:01 pm
I am grateful to have found your blog (thank you for finding me!) You have been where I am now, and are further down a path that I will probably be on quite soon. We share the same heartache.