While I don’t gnash my teeth quite the way I once did even a few months ago in response to new baby announcements, a new emotion has taken hold: ENVY.According to one definition, “envy occurs when a person lacks another’s superior quality, achievement, or possession and either desires it or wishes that the other lacked it.” Well, that about sums up what I’m feeling. Last week I was book-ended by envy. The first book end: another birth announcement in my office (right now baby boys are up — those XY sperm are kicking butt). There is a veritable population boom in my little office. Exploding bellies and proud papas-to-be are now a fixture. They’re everywhere. Nowhere for me to hide. Seriously. It’s like the universe is running me through a pregnancy gauntlet. I can hear the gods now:
“Look, PJ, until you’ve proven you can co-exist amicably and peacefully with the fertile crowd, we’re going to keep throwing new pregnancies and birth announcements at you. Consider yourself in pregnancy hell until we see some progress…”
Okay, okay! I’m working on it!! Sheesh. Can’t I get a break over the holidays? This time of year is tough for infertiles without all the new chirpy parents. And speaking of chirpy parents…
They provided the other envy bookend. I was involved in an amazing competition last weekend with all sorts of brilliant young scientists, post docs to newly minted PhDs from leading universities. These fresh-faced early 20-somethings restored my faith in the future of our planet. Not a slacker among them. The competition, not surprisingly, brought out some of their parents. It was bittersweet to watch their mommas and papas busting out with pride over their children’s accomplishments. They snapped digital photos like there was no tomorrow. The joyful expressions on their faces were hard to miss.
It was the same look on the face of the new parents in my office. And what did I feel? Yes, ENVY.
Okay, universe, I know. I know. I’m working on it!
November 11, 2007 3:32 am
I have a tough time with Envy, too.
Those are some lousy bookends. Do you think you can take them back to WalMart for a happier model?
November 11, 2007 3:17 pm
I’ve got New Baby Daddy returning to my office tomorrow (which I’ve been dreading since he even left on paternity leave), so I totally know what you’re talking about.
My envy is so bad sometimes, I can’t even get out and enjoy simple things I used to love — a walk around the city, a trip to the farmer’s market, going out to dinner, etc. Every happy pregnant lady/young family with kids just breaks my heart over and over. My husband totally doesn’t get it, which makes it even harder.
Wish I knew how to fix this, because I think this is probably the #1 thing about infertility that I hate the most. Do people who are genuinely and selflessly happy for others throughout this just have some kinda gene that I lack?
Peace… and lots of hugs to you in the coming week!
November 11, 2007 3:38 pm
Could’ve been me writing that, and yes, envy is alive and well and living with me too! But I’m working on it, some days it’s easier, other days just plain hell.
November 11, 2007 5:52 pm
I don’t know how to work on the envy yet, I have it all the time. Usually with it comes some anger. Ugh. I hate envy.
November 11, 2007 6:38 pm
Cut yourself some slack on the envy issue – we all have it you know. There is always someone who is taller, thinner, richer, smarter, kinder, etc. While the following is something I use for difficult people who enter my life, I thought you might could use it toward the elusive and nebulous entity, ‘Infertility’
“May all blessings flow to you. May self-knowledge flow to you I reclaim the power you have taken from me, it is mine to take back, it is my right. May love and good fortune come to you now. As I speak you are no longer a problem for me! Your difficult energy dissolves into wisdom. You regard me with respect”
Clap your hands three times very loudly to seal your invocation. Use twice a day and repeat 3 to 9 times.
November 12, 2007 4:59 pm
I have no wisdom. Only (((hugs))).
November 12, 2007 11:12 pm
I guess those situations aren’t going away. I hope your work on it pays off.
Bea
November 13, 2007 3:59 am
Yeah, I feel it too. However, I can only work on one thing at a time–and sometimes not even that…lol Envy is gonna have to take a number.