They were tears of relief. Tears of understanding. Tears from releasing for the first time a pain that was so tightly wound up inside me that I had not realized how much my anger, sadness and loss were holding me back.
I’d like to tell you there was an easy route to this moment, but that would be lying. Succumbing to the pain, not trying to control or deny it, was the first step on a very difficult path. It began in earnest when I started this blog nearly a year ago.
Now I’m as skeptical as any of you when I hear someone tell me that they’ve “pushed through.” It sounds too tidy. It’s dawned on me, though, that over the past decade I’ve created an intense barrier to truly feeling the depth and sorrow that comes with loss.
At each devastating point of seeing my dream of conceiving and delivering a child with the man I so love and admire slip away, another brick went in place. At the same time I see now that I was working overtime to protect myself from further pain. The intensity, the sorrow of not getting to meet that little soul who came from the two of us was so severe that I couldn’t face the possibility of ever allowing myself to be so vulnerable again.
In the process I also closed myself off from feeling, deeply, the good emotions that come with an open heart.
Why would I want to connect so deeply and allow myself to be vulnerable if there might again be the possibility of such yawning hurt? This is far from saying I’m done with this process. Rather, it’s the contrary. As I mentioned in a recent post, I think the hard work still lies ahead. But now at least I know where I’m going and why…