Lost in Thought and The Pretender


the pretenderOn a recent morning walk, I listened ‘The Pretender’ and lost myself in the lyrics of this Jackson Browne song.

I want to know what became of the changes
We waited for love to bring
Were they only the fitful dreams
Of some greater awakening?
I’ve been aware of the time going by
They say in the end it’s the wink of an eye
When the morning light comes streaming in
You’ll get up and do it again

I found myself thinking back on the changes we waited for love to bring. How many times when the morning light would come streaming in we’d get up and “do” it again – the monitoring, the doctor appointments, the medications, the scans – all the while wondering if our dreams would only be fitful ones.

And then ever so slowly as we adjusted to the changes not coming on the baby front, we faced a greater awakening. That being one of trying to live, work and play alongside those who seemingly, effortlessly grow swollen bellies and those who lovingly fuss and discuss their little ones. And amid those painful reminders of what wasn’t coming our way we’d have to get up and do it again – paint on a brave smile, fight back the tears and go on as though everything were just fine, even though on too many days to count, it wasn’t.

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And even today, aware of the time going by, after all that’s occurred I am keenly aware of the strength it often takes for many of us to find our game face, to get up and do it again: live infertile among the fertile.


12 Responses

  1. luna

    February 16, 2008 5:32 pm

    yes, so true. there are no bounds to the strength and courage required to simply live among the fertile day after day, when our own dreams will never be realized. while life goes on. with all the painful reminders.

    sometimes I feel like a spectator in my own life and wonder how I ever got here…

    thanks for this lovely post. you continue to show me how it can be done. ~luna

  2. Jenna

    February 16, 2008 6:01 pm

    This post strikes me. Thank you for sharing it. Living the life of an unfertile amongst the greater population is painful and difficult often, and yet from it we grow stronger, wiser, more compassionate.

    Still, I’d give all of those qualities to hold a baby in my arms. ughhh

  3. Lisa

    February 17, 2008 1:29 am

    I clicked on your blog from another and had to comment. A Jackson Browne lyric just spoke to me too, but I don’t have the energy today to explain why.

    Just wanted to wish you well and say you’re absolutely right. Putting on that game face takes strength and courage. It’s a fertile, fertile world out there.

  4. Carlynn

    February 17, 2008 1:21 pm

    I want to know what became of the changes
    We waited for love to bring
    Were they only the fitful dreams
    Of some greater awakening?

    That is beautiful, and so true. If only that brave face became easier to put on but it doesn’t. There are days when it’s relatively simple and other days when it is just plain impossible.

  5. chicklet

    February 17, 2008 6:29 pm

    This was worded perfectly. No need to say more.

    Well, maybe. It’s part of why blogland works for me – to see all those doing it too. That I’m not the only one having to face it again and again.

  6. loribeth

    February 17, 2008 8:07 pm

    There are days when my life feels like it’s in a total rut. And there are other days when I realize that most people live in a rut, & we all just struggle alongside each other in our own little ruts, but too worn out by the daily grind to make the effort to try to change. Or maybe we’ve tried to change & sometimes it’s just easier & less hassle to stay in the rut. Or we come to realize that a rut is still a rut, no matter which one you’re traveling in, so you may as well make the most of the one you’ve got. OK, I’m really mixing my metaphors, so I’ll stop now. But as usual, you’ve provided lots of food for thought. (Not to mention the urge to dig out my Jackson Browne “Running on Empty” CD, lol.) ; ) Thanks!

  7. Deathstar

    February 17, 2008 8:23 pm

    Knowing full well that I can’t undo the past, I can’t go back and change anything, I still feel the loss of something I never had, only hoped for. I totally get it.

  8. kazari

    February 18, 2008 12:04 am

    Thank you for this post.
    I’ve been reading your blog for a while, and I just wanted to say thank you for sharing.
    I have friends with kids, pregnant friends – friends who took much time and heart-ache before conceiving, and one friend who recently adopted.
    I also have friends who are open in their choice to never be parents.
    i guess what I’m trying to say is that your view point is important, and needs to be heard, because it’s not something we easily discuss in person.
    so again. thank you for sharing.

  9. nancy

    February 18, 2008 5:14 pm

    heya – remember my “i’m inspired” post? I have gotten somewhere. Would it be at all possible for you to send me your address? I know it’s kinda weird, but I promise it’s not stalkerish.

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