Stream of Consciousness


Random thoughts as they’ve taken shape in my head this week (updated below):

Why does JLo defensively make the point that no fertility treatments were used in the conception of her twins?She certainly wouldn’t be the first woman who turned to a team of experts to jump start her family. Is medical intervention in the area of baby making considered that shameful?

What type of cabinets should I choose for the kitchen remodel we’re planning this summer? That’s right. I haven’t tested my marriage enough with fertility treatments and the like. It’s time to put it to the ultimate test with a home remodel that will require us to “camp” in our house. Coping strategies welcome…

How do you know when you’re bona fide barren? When your infertile friends start falling pregnant. While I’m seriously happy for them (and I’m not just saying that), I was taken aback as I tried to tally how many new mothers and pregnancies I’ve heard about in the blogosphere in the last year. So in reviewing my blogroll there’s Princess Smarty Pants, Liana, TeamWinks, Bumble, Louise, Amy and, of more recent vintage in no particular order: Aurelia, DD, Artblog, Heather, Kristen, Fertilize, Deanna, Geohde, Bea, Meghan, The Infertility Monster, Schatzi, Making Peace, Kami, Portia, Ann, Miss E and there are others who have asked to keep a low profile for now.

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(Updated: Re-reading this part of the post I realize that behind this thought was the sensation, the feeling of once again being on the outside looking in. I just had visions of y’all getting the “welcome to motherhood” package in the mail and, well, my mailbox has cobwebs in it. It’s not about you. It’s about
me and okay … got the message. More to work on — this life business is so damned complicated, which makes this next part even more important…)

How do I want to live my second adulthood? Author Gail Sheehy says we get two ‘adulthoods.’ So now I have to figure out who and what I want to be when I grow up — again. This next time around I want to be someone who doesn’t feel like a reluctant participant in my own life – which is how I mostly view the past decade. That’s the way it is when everyone is moving in one direction and you’re not — sort of like being the Rockette who doesn’t kick when everyone else does.

In adulthood numero duo, I want to learn my own dance, perhaps mambo-esque and make my way through with loads of laughter and lots more wisdom than the first time around.

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In the meantime, I think I’ll distract myself with some kitchen-related shopping…who knew there were so many sinks to choose from?


28 Responses

  1. Dr Grumbles

    March 29, 2008 2:44 am

    First, this is the blogger formally known as SaraS-P 😉

    Second, I hope your second adulthood is indeed a riotously funny and enjoyable dance.

    And, yes, JLo doth protest too much. You’d think IVF was equivalent to gangrene!

  2. Ann

    March 29, 2008 3:11 am

    We did a kitchen remodel in 2005 that required 4 months of “cooking” in our dining room. Totally worth it, by the way, I *love* cooking in the new kitchen. I don’t know how your house is set up – we didn’t have a bathroom on the main floor, so with the kitchen torn out, there was no running water. On the advice of our contractor, we bought a new fridge that had a water dispenser that he hooked up, so at least we could get some water without going to the upstairs bathroom. We moved the microwave, toaster oven, an electric kettle and an electric skillet into the dining room along with our fridge and were able to do pretty decent cooking, plus we did a lot of grilling for as long as we could until the Minnesota winter forced us inside. We froze lots of food ahead of time. Oh, and used disposable plates and utensils, not all the time, but a lot more often than normal. Good luck!

  3. Deathstar

    March 29, 2008 8:26 am

    Once again, I don’t give a rat’s ass what JLo has to say on the subject. Whether she doth protest too much, some ratfink will be tell sooner or later.

    Don’t own my own home (thanks IVF moneypit!), but a word to the wise, get everything in writing and make friends with your neighbours – they might let you use their stove.

    I kinda like to hear about the veterans finally getting knocked up. Good for them. It’s like hey, I’m still doing time, but at least someone gets to feel the sunshine!

  4. Chrissy

    March 29, 2008 12:03 pm

    You are a brave and courageous woman. Redoing a kitchen will challenge the stongest of humans..though I would probably sell my husband for new counter tops. Oh, and my friends that have opted for the new stainless steel hate them..I guess they are a bitch to clean..I don’t know first hand but thought I would pass on what I have heard.

    As for JLO-ugh. When I saw the pix in Pe0ple mag with her in her red carpet best, hair perfect, full makeup, tending to the twins…well, let just say, I had to hold back the vomit.

  5. Lori

    March 29, 2008 4:17 pm

    Kitchen remodel…take notes so you can advise me someday, when our remodel fund is replenished.

    Yuck. Bathtub as dishwasher.

    Thanks for putting together the Pregnant Infertyls list.

  6. Mel

    March 29, 2008 11:52 pm

    I like that about second adulthood. I wonder how I’ll reinvent myself. Med school, here I come 🙂

  7. Rachel

    March 30, 2008 12:29 am

    I’m all about the mambo, you know that one gets my vote! 😛

    Somehow, I trained my husband to say ‘yes’ to all design decisions and he even says he likes it that way. Do not ask me how I did that, no clue…

    Even though I guess I’m on a track to mommyhood… it feels very far away, especially this week. So I can very much relate to your feeling on the outside looking in. It’s a lonely place and I don’t like to think of you being there. Here’s to dancing your way out of there… thanks for your kind words, I’ll blog more later. Can’t stomach the topic much yet…

  8. Bea

    March 30, 2008 3:50 am

    And not just the sinks! One day I will remodel a kitchen. For now, as you know, I have enough to get on with, and am very happy with it. I do hope the kitchen gets your second adulthood off to a good start, and that the outsider feeling starts to fade away.


  9. M writes

    March 30, 2008 4:28 am

    I so could have written this post with regard to your blogroll – there are just so so so so many bloggers who have ‘moved on’ to greater things, while I’m still here in the murky depths, just treading water. Ugh.

  10. Zee

    March 30, 2008 6:08 am

    I try to avoid meandering down that path — the one of tallying up how many IF sisters are either pregnant or parents. I wish I was ready to be as generous as Deathstar, but I’m afraid I’m not made that way. Adversity is supposed to build character, but for me all it’s done is reveal the cracks, dents, and rotten parts in the one I already have.

    My guess is that the whole JLo “twins run in the family” fairytale has to do with the fact that she’s Catholic, and the Catholic Church rejects IVF. Probably out of respect for her family (and/or to avoid hearing and reading lots of unsolicited opinions from devout strangers of the same faith) she’s decided to pretend it was just a matter of “relaxing.” Lame, but understandable when looked at that way.

    No kitchen remodeling advice, but I’m with you on trying to decide what I want to be when I grow up. (Apart from childless. left behind, and pissed off, I mean.) I’ll keep you posted if I get any brilliant ideas. Be a love and do the same, willya?

  11. Geohde

    March 30, 2008 9:25 am


    I am sorry that you feel kind of left out/reminded of bad thoughts- I get that you’re pleased for us gestating IF’ers, but it never stops hurting, no matter who it is that’s knocked up. I mean, I still feel hurt at other people’s pregnancies because they didn’t go through infertility, expensive treatment and fetal loss to get pregnant. And I’m p-word.

    Anyway, thank you for still stopping by my blog occasionally, it can’t be easy,



  12. Ellen K

    March 30, 2008 1:55 pm

    We redid our kitchen in spring 06, and it was a tough but rewarding project. We have Arts & Crafts-style cherry cabinets and they were worth the splurge! My advice is to have a good, nongrungy backup sink — we bought a new utility sink just for the occasion — and to plan deliveries so that you’ll be without power for as short a time as possible.

    Did you ever read any of the “Anne of Green Gables” series? I was rereading “Anne of the Island” (her college years) recently and came across a line that perfectly summarized the experience of being on the outside: “Sometimes it is a little lonely to be surrounded everywhere by a happiness that is not your own.” It relates to a scene in which Anne returns from college and visits her childhood friend’s new baby, and the conversation entirely excludes Anne — everyone is talking about their experiences of motherhood and memories of their own mothers, and Anne just sits by, childless, unmarried, an orphan, feeling completely out of it. It is quite poignant for a children’s book.

    The J-Lo spread pissed me off. My one consolation was that her husband looked incredibly silly and weak in all the pictures.

  13. chicklet

    March 30, 2008 4:12 pm

    On the JLo thing, I think she denied it cuz she’s catholic, but I wish she just would’ve said no comment. It’s the lying that bugs me.

    On all the preggos in blogland, you’re not alone with the cobweb mailbox. Not that it helps any, but sometimes I feel the same with the ones I go to and it’s like, man, another preggo… happy for them, but hard sometimes.

  14. Freyja

    March 30, 2008 9:10 pm

    I told my husband last week that half my “infertile friends” are pregnant. He laughed and asked if that isn’t an oxymoron.

    I’m making my husband take steps back toward normalcy by renovating one of our bathrooms. He’s got the know how and the tools and CERTAINLY the time… So, this“>“>this is the sink I picked. However, instead of being mounted on a surface, it will float on the wall, held by this“>“>this. I may not have kids but my main floor half bath is going to be fabulous! 😉

  15. JJ

    March 30, 2008 11:14 pm

    First-thank you for continuing to come over to the Infertility Diaries to read and comment-I really, really appreciate it!

    I had a whole lot of steam to let out in regards to JLo–still makes me furrow my eye brows when I see her on TV or on the internet…

    Have fun remodeling!

  16. jc

    March 31, 2008 3:24 am

    It’s kind of sad the way J.Lo feels she has to protest so much. It must be hard to be that messed up about it. Almost as hard as it is to believe her protests. And if she’s denying it because she’s Catholic, well doesn’t her faith have anything to say about hypocrisy?

    Re: kitchen – don’t be a hero. Get takeout or go out for dinner as much as you possibly can.

    That feeling of being on the outside looking in is one of the hardest things to get past, isn’t it? I wish I had some assvice to make it better.

  17. loribeth

    March 31, 2008 12:18 pm

    JLo drives me nuts. :p And I’m still trying to figure out what I want to do when I grow up too. ; ) Love the Rockettes analogy!

    Re: Ellen’s comment on Anne of Green Gables, I only remembered in recent years that her first child, a daughter named Joyce, dies shortly after birth in “Anne’s House of Dreams.” L.M. Montgomery (the author)’s first child (a son named Hugh) was stillborn as well. She went on to have two more sons.

    Good luck with the reno project. Both our bathroom & kitchen need it, but I am just dreading the idea & thinking maybe it would be easier just to move…!!

  18. Irish Girl

    March 31, 2008 12:55 pm

    Forever the planner, I have already decided to go to medical school if IVF doesn’t work out the way I hope. We’ll also either completely remodel the house or build our dream home. So I might be right behind ya with the kitchen remodel scenerio!

    I lived through a remodel once before. Crockpot and toaster oven, sister. And laundry tub for dishes.

    It is disappointing that J.Lo didn’t use the opportunity to advocate for our community. I guess it’s her choice though. And I wonder if she was partially considering her children’s feelings down the road … maybe she wants to tell them herself how they were conceived. I’m sure she has her reasons.

  19. niobe

    March 31, 2008 3:44 pm

    I hope you’ll keep us updated on the remodel because I *love* kitchen stuff and spend far too much time poring over remodeling mags.

    Uh, who is JLO? (I know, I’m an idiot about these things. You don’t really have to tell me, because from reading the comments, I did gather she’s some kind of celebrity/actress/model/whatever)

  20. peesticksandstones

    March 31, 2008 4:13 pm

    As someone who’s about to be the “last infertile standing” as one more pregnant member leaves my Resolve group, I totally have been wrestling with the outside feeling lately.

    I am — I truly am — happy when one of us gets pregnant. It’s like one more victory. YET it’s so hard to not to feel so dang lonely and to not take it personally that it’s never me…

  21. meghan

    March 31, 2008 10:30 pm

    We redid our kitchen in October. Luckily, we have a VERY small kitchen so it only took a week. Have to say though, once you gone through all those tough, meaningful life decisions, we made a much easier time with the paint and the sinks.

    And I’m sorry that list has you feeling left out of the club. Like Geodhe said, I still get annoyed at pregnant ladies when I see them. Some of the hurt doesn’t go away easily at all

    Oh…and I LOVE the idea of a 2nd adulthood, I feel like I’ve messed the first up a bit. Now what to do???

  22. shinejil

    April 1, 2008 12:49 pm

    I see you sambaing around in a fabulous, plume-laden hat with a skirt made of dozens of yards of swishing fabric. Out of the way, mourning mommies!

    Good luck with the kitchen! I wish I could manage a remodel (our kitchen is a timewarp to the 1970s).

  23. annacyclopedia

    April 1, 2008 3:35 pm

    I love the idea of a second adulthood, a chance to do something new with more wisdom. From reading your blog, I have no doubt that you will totally rock this new phase of your life. Wisdom you have in spades, my dear. And dancing is a great idea – whether literal or metaphorical. There’s something about dancing that just has so much joy, even as it embraces every other experience in life. Just check out some YouTube videos of the old women dancing flamenco if you think that sounds far-fetched.

    Best of luck on the kitchen. I’ve been putting ours off since we moved in 4 years ago, and for now I’m working on accepting it and being grateful for what I have. All so I don’t have to go through ripping it all apart. Although summer would be the ideal time to do it, with the bbq and all…

  24. beagle

    April 1, 2008 3:39 pm

    I’ll stick to what I know here (that excludes motherhood/pregnancy and even celeb news for the most part.)

    Kitchen renovations. That I have actual experience in!

    It’s harder than you think it will be but it IS worth the trouble. (Unlike IVF in our case.)

    Summer is the best time IMHO because grilling and paper plates work well in that season.

    We tore down to wall studs and floor joists. It was a mess to live through, but I love what we have now.

  25. Myrtle

    December 8, 2008 6:10 pm

    Thanks for this blog. Devastated by failed ivf. dr. convinced me to do two cycles (#3 and #4) for “best chance.” They were back to back and they were bust- few eggs and none “chromosomaly normal” due to “advanced maternal age” 40+ but severe male factor aso an issue. Dr. insists it’s mostly me and my AMA. She thought my best chance is donor egg and assured me that time doesn’t matter b/c susan sarandon had a kid at 52 and rattled a list of various other celebrities that “couldn’t possibly be doing it with their own eggs.” Is she kidding? She told me that no one will know it’s not mine if I don’t tell them. I thought that was the most insensitive thing she could have ever said to me on top of everything else. Drs. never admit that their techniques may account for failure – maybe their timing decisions. It’s always about the patient. What a horrible experience to have to go through! I can’t stop my mind from replaying “what ifs” – starting before my bio-clock ran out, not letting time go by. Can’t sleep and there is no miracle pill/drug/procedure for having my own child. The other thing that makes me mad is that I spent 30k on these failed cycles and she tells me that donor eggs are my best chance all along! Why couldn’t she say that before I put out all that money and set myself up to feel like I’ve been run over by a hummer? I seriously asked her so many times whether I was engaging in a futile, shot in the dark-like quest. Well, with the PGD “at least you will know why it didn’t work.” Granted I wanted the miracle but now no baby and no money! Reading after the fact, “80% of cycles end in failure” adds to my feelings of anger, disappointment and despair. I feel so alone.

    • Pamela Jeanne

      December 8, 2008 10:35 pm

      What you describe is seriously horrible…so sorry you’re feeling
      devastated and run over. Recovering from the losses associated with IVF
      is incredibly hard — made worse when you feel you’ve been led astray by
      bad or insensitive advice. Add in the huge expense and damn, you just
      want to punch someone or something. You have every right to feel angry,
      disappointed and sad, but you’re not alone. Unfortunately there are a
      number of us who know exactly how you feel.

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