There was a time when I was young and naive. I looked at life through rosy-colored glass. My life was colorful. I was the quintessential Pollyanna, which is why coping with infertility has been doubly hard. If I’d been less of a dreamer and more of a realist I might have been better prepared to handle the outcome.
Dark Emotions Dominated
It’s safe to say the past five years of denial and grieving (punctuated by bouts of anger, sadness and despair) didn’t leave much room for color in my life.
I feared that infertility’s last laugh would be saddling me with a monochromatic life. I had an eerie sense my future would be nothing more than black and white and gray. How could I not?
Not only had there been no a pot of gold at the end of my rainbow, there was no longer any rainbow. At least that’s how it felt.
Colorful Life Reflected in Paint
As I’ve written before I am reshaping my life and my expectations for a life without children. Along with those adjustments, our house has changed bit by bit. The remodel has been a very tangible reminder. I am becoming a different person living in a different place.
For my part of Show & Tell, I share with you the colorful paint that will soon be on the walls of our house. The colors are set against our new quartzite counter, recently sealed into place on our new kitchen island. The paint choices will serve as an important token of change. This will be especially true on the days when flashbacks to what might have been seize me. I now live in a world full of color and possibilities.
You can read more Show & Tell entries at Stirrup Queens blog.
There you’ll find still more women who once heard the dreaded infertility diagnosis. Many have also discovered new paths out of the darkness and a way forward.
January 25, 2009 5:41 pm
I LOVE the paint choices. I am a big fan of bright colour.
The quartzite is gorgeous, too.
January 25, 2009 5:44 pm
Pamela – this is a gorgeous way of describing your transformation. And the colors, whew – I love the ALL! I may be emailing you for names and brands!
January 25, 2009 6:49 pm
We’re not remodeling (still smarting from spending $75K on ART and, like everyone, watching our retirement accounts nosedive), but we are repainting this year . . . everything, inside and outside . . . and new color does help me turn the page in its own small but right-in-front-of-the-eyes way.
Love your palette!
January 25, 2009 7:01 pm
Great colors! I hope you’ll show us some photos of the rooms once the paint is dry.
January 25, 2009 7:10 pm
Just look at the header of your blog, compared to how it was a year or more ago.
January 25, 2009 8:13 pm
Good point, Iota! I’ve been transferring what I’ve learned online into my real life!
January 25, 2009 8:12 pm
You’re so brave. I’m always scared to paint colors.
January 25, 2009 10:06 pm
I love the colors. They are bright and happy, and none of them are truly neutral. Great choices!
January 25, 2009 10:55 pm
I love those colors. It is going to be gorgeous!
January 26, 2009 2:43 am
love the colors and the remodel! hope you get that sense of satisfaction every time you look at and enjoy the feel of your fabulous new home!
January 26, 2009 3:14 am
I love me some paint swatches! Nice colors.
January 26, 2009 4:09 am
I bet your home will stay rather tidy, too.
And be warm and welcoming to all who enter.
January 26, 2009 5:16 am
Beautiful post! I too have found that my experiences have changed how I approach the world. I’m glad you have found and embraced your colour. It’s going to be a beautiful home.
January 26, 2009 5:30 am
Love the colors. They are fantastic.
January 26, 2009 3:41 pm
Ooh, I like (& especially the quartzite). What colours are going where?
January 26, 2009 4:40 pm
Pamela Jeanne,
Your colors are beautiful! I am so happy for you about your house project.
Life *IS* colorful… literally & figuratively. 🙂 Sometimes when we are in the darkness, we lose sight of the color.
I’m glad you are now enjoying color!!! You deserve peace & happiness. 🙂
I just love the slate blue and the red.
If my husband had been willing, I’d have used bolder colors in our house.
At least my husband agreed to pale pink walls for one bedroom, pale yellow walls for a bathroom, an ice blue hint (in the paint) added to kitchen’s “almost-white” walls, a unique teal blue/cool green carpet for a bedroom, pink carpet for another bedroom, etc. We have Monet prints in the house with cool colors and with lily pads & Japanese bridges…
We even have Monet wallpaper in the master bath. So I’m happy about that. 🙂
I just love color! Speaking of color, I love the song “Beauty of Speed” by Tori Amos. (The lyrics for this song are below: http://www.lyrics.net/read/t/tori-amos-lyrics/beauty-of-speed-lyrics.html).
She talks about “the colors changing” and “coming out of a black & white world”… (Tori, by the way, had multiple miscarriages).
I am impressed by your strength and grace as you move forward in your life. I wish you the most happiness in your renovated home. May it provide you with comfort and a sense of peace.
I’m excited for you about your house project. It’s such an exciting process once you reach the point of picking out colors!
I wish you peace of mind and happiness.
I know from your previous post that you’ll appreciate a working stove too! 🙂
Take care,
Jeanne
January 26, 2009 5:29 pm
colorful walls can do wonders for the mood! great picks!
January 27, 2009 4:46 am
I love bold paint colors. Indeed my kitchen is “chili”. 😉
January 27, 2009 1:35 pm
Love the colors!
Love this line: “women who once heard the dreaded infertility diagnosis have discovered various paths out of the darkness and a way forward.”
January 27, 2009 5:44 pm
I, too, was always a Pollyanna of a girl…my mom would call me that growing up b/c I always found the bright side to everything. Guess it was my coping mechanism. Alas, Pollyanna grew up and hit the wall of reality and found there were not always happy endings and it was harder as an adult to find the bright side of the dark, crappy, rainy cloud luking above her head…
However, I LOVE the colors! You’re an amazing and stronger woman than I think you realize. And you’ve taught us all what it means to truly survive IF.
January 27, 2009 10:09 pm
From one Pollyanna to another, the silver lining in this odd set of circumstances is the chance to hear from so many other strong, inspiring women. many thanks to you and all who take the time to hear what I have to say.
January 28, 2009 8:45 am
Pamela Jeanne,
You inspire and comfort so many! 🙂
Jeanne
January 31, 2009 12:49 pm
Have I mentioned I want to see pictures? Lots and lots of pictures. Before and afters. Email me if you don’t want to blog them 😉
Bea