There was a time when I was young and naive. I looked at life through rosy-colored glass. My life was colorful. I was the quintessential Pollyanna, which is why coping with infertility has been doubly hard. If I’d been less of a dreamer and more of a realist I might have been better prepared to handle the outcome.
Dark Emotions Dominated
It’s safe to say the past five years of denial and grieving (punctuated by bouts of anger, sadness and despair) didn’t leave much room for color in my life.
I feared that infertility’s last laugh would be saddling me with a monochromatic life. I had an eerie sense my future would be nothing more than black and white and gray. How could I not?
Not only had there been no a pot of gold at the end of my rainbow, there was no longer any rainbow. At least that’s how it felt.
Colorful Life Reflected in Paint
As I’ve written before I am reshaping my life and my expectations for a life without children. Along with those adjustments, our house has changed bit by bit. The remodel has been a very tangible reminder. I am becoming a different person living in a different place.
For my part of Show & Tell, I share with you the colorful paint that will soon be on the walls of our house. The colors are set against our new quartzite counter, recently sealed into place on our new kitchen island. The paint choices will serve as an important token of change. This will be especially true on the days when flashbacks to what might have been seize me. I now live in a world full of color and possibilities.
You can read more Show & Tell entries at Stirrup Queens blog.
There you’ll find still more women who once heard the dreaded infertility diagnosis. Many have also discovered new paths out of the darkness and a way forward.