First, I’d like to thank Shaz and Loribeth for their shout outs and the Sisterhood Award. In turn, I’d like recognize those who take the time to participate in a meaningful conversation here on Coming2Terms. The comments on the last post are a great example of sisterhood at its finest.
Infertile women living in a fertile world know well the meaning of “death by a thousand cuts.” That’s because repro-challenged women are too often blindsided, stung or sucker-punched by careless comments, gestures or oversights. So when I hear from mothers who genuinely want to be better friends to my peeps I’m happy to recognize them with my own Act of Kindness commendation. One day I hope such kind behaviors are so freakin’ commonplace they no longer need to be called out.
(Now there’s some irony in that the same day I received an email from a kind mom, a mean mom flamed me. Guess my last two posts struck a little too close to home. Seems some mommies can dish it out but they can’t take it. Flamer girl clearly would have sucked at dealing with infertility and the barrage of weird stuff we have to tolerate. If a momzilla reference torqued her, can you imagine how she’d have managed if the tables were turned?
Fortunately, kind mom “C,” made mean mom look even more puny). “C” writes:
I try to be mindful in conversations how incredibly painful and vacant infertility must be.
I wish so desperately I could help in some way. I am not sure what route I would have taken. You just want joy for those you care about and each person’s joy meter pegs to different scenarios. It is frustrating as “the friend” not being able to spring into action with a plan. Many times we offer space as it seems required or desired not due to lack of caring. We have no cues or clues as to the best response at times so perhaps we disappoint with our quiet mode. We also want to weave the fabric of our lives into the correspondence but are sensitive to the fact that our joy may be coming at the exact moment your old friend sadness decides to move back in.
A dear friend of mine who lost a child at a young age bristled when people called on the holidays or her daughter’s birthday to check in because this day must be particularly painful. She quietly told me, with that catch in her voice, that “every day is exactly the same. It never leaves.” That really stuck with me. I now look at everyone’s grief differently after that comment thundered over my head.
I bet a lot of your pals are not sure what to say or do so they do absolutely nothing. Keep leading us and communicating. I know it will vary day to day, week to week, even one hour to the next but if you need a listening ear, a tarot card goofy night, a singing greeting card, a surprise coffee mid-day….sometimes you need to ask. If you know them really well? Demand.
What a kind heart. I told “C” in an email exchange that I wish we could clone her. Speaking of lovely people who give back, let’s show some love to Kelly who is walking for some great causes this weekend. Kelly hasn’t forgotten what’s like to try to conceive against the odds so she’s taking part in the RESOLVE Walk of Hope in Scottsdale, AZ, April 19. You can also join me in supporting Kelly’s March of Dimes fundraising efforts April 18.
We barren gals have our moments but we know how to return kindness with kindness. Got any kindness or enlightenment you’d like to spread around?