Uh, oh. I detect some growing pains. The signs are all there. You know, when you wake up and get the sense of being torn in different directions? It’s not simply a question of bagel or Cheerios, but am I feeling settled? Unsettled?
Seems I’m a goofy teenager all over again only with better clothes and different skin care issues. Sure, we’re always undergoing some form of growing pains, whether it’s adjusting to a new routine, a disappointment or a success for that matter, but some transitions are bigger than others and, for me, they always seem gigantic when I’m on the cusp of a birthday.
(Note to those visiting here for the first time: Have no fear. You’re not too late. The highlights from the first stage of my life and my experience overcoming the worst of infertility can be found in my book, Silent Sorority. You can get all caught up with me and even find some of the best of my Coming2Terms blog in Silent Sorority, available on Amazon.com. If you like it, please leave a review on Amazon — you’ll be helping other women find fellowship. Meanwhile, have a look around the previous posts and comments — there is still lots of active sharing going on so please make yourself at home and take part in the conversation.)
Now, I’m not sure what’s awaiting me in the next chapter of life, but I’m ready to make the leap nonetheless.
I’ve taken a sabbatical from this blog before, and while I seriously doubt that I can stop writing altogether, I do know that I need a change. I’m going out of town with my guy on a trip that will culminate in a birthday celebration on June 12. During that time I’ll mull over whether it’s time I preserve this blog in its current form — a journey through the unpredictable sometimes oppressive, sometimes absurd, sometimes liberating experiences that come in the wake of unsuccessful infertility treatments — or perhaps start another blog. Of course, I’d need a new name, a new look, a new charter. To be continued…
Ta-ta for now my dear Internets.
May 27, 2009 6:02 pm
Have a great birthday! I will be reading where ever you are writing.
May 27, 2009 6:21 pm
Hey, make sure you tell us where to next, so we can follow your story!
May 27, 2009 7:40 pm
I was just saying to my friend the other day – about this whole trying to be a mother thing – that it was just supposed to be one of the things I wanted to do with my life – not the only thing. However, I had not anticipated it not ever happening the natural way and it taking this long to parent.
So after identifying myself as an infertile and not much else, I understand totally why you want to pursue bliss and not heartache anymore. More of what you are instead of what you aren’t.
May 27, 2009 7:57 pm
Change is the only constant in this world. I think someone once said that everything else has the illusion of permanence. I’m anxious to see where you decide to take your blog as you find yourself redefining yourself!
And, if you don’t blog again – or I forget (quite possible) – Happy Birthday!
May 27, 2009 9:01 pm
Wow, PJ! Your ability to recognize the stirrings of change is so beautiful and inspires me so much. I will be reading wherever you are and will always be wishing you much peace and contentment through all the changes life still has in store for you. Be well, you amazing woman!
May 27, 2009 9:32 pm
I’ve been feeling this way lately too. I don’t know what’s in my cards and I don’t know what to hope for anymore.
I, too, will keep up with you no matter where you’re at.
I hope you have a great birthday.
May 27, 2009 10:01 pm
I’m only 6 months into my no-child-is-coming life, but I know I’m not long for the IF-blogging world. To paraphrase Deathstar, I’m fast losing interest in the topic of “what I’m not.”
Good luck with whatever you leap into next!
May 27, 2009 11:07 pm
Recently I made a decision to move from health advocacy via my blog back into my business consulting role. There were too many things pointing toward my pre-infertility life. And while I am still very passionate about infertility and helping others, I find that writing posts for my blog becomes more of a task and not something I love to do.
No matter what you decide, do what feels right.
May 27, 2009 11:12 pm
While I would very much miss your voice & perspective here, I’ll be happy to read whatever you write, wherever you want to write it. : ) If you’re not back in some shape or form before then — have a great birthday!
May 28, 2009 2:05 am
I’m having shrinking pains. Wonder if the two are related?
Actually I popped in b/c I couldn’t help but notice the remark about baby #2. I pick up on the oddest things.
Happy Birthday, my fellow Summer Sister.
May 28, 2009 3:30 am
Hope your birthday is lovely.
And know that I will read you as long as you’re writing, no matter what it’s about.
May 28, 2009 4:47 am
Have a lovely birthday, PJ!
Always look forward to your writing, whenever/wherever that may be.
May 28, 2009 8:50 am
Happy Birthday in Advance! I hope you have a fun time with the whole birthday vacation!
And I understand the distancing from preggers/preggers again/preggers again and again blogs…and I hope you can think clearly about your new directions!
All the very best!
May 28, 2009 1:24 pm
Enjoy your birthday and your break!
May 28, 2009 5:46 pm
Just ordered the book. Looking forward to reading it! 🙂
May 29, 2009 3:05 am
PJ – I wish you a very happy birthday and, while I hope that you don’t disappear entirely, a happy new beginning!
May 29, 2009 5:30 am
I can’t bring myself to say goodbye, I hope it is merely farewell on a well-deserved break,
May 29, 2009 6:23 am
time for reflection is good. change is good. peaceful relaxation essential. birthday celebrations can be wonderful. enjoy every moment away from this space. and may you return inspired and rejuvenated to tackle whatever is next.
just ordered the book, btw, finally!
May 29, 2009 12:38 pm
Happy (almost) birthday!
Keep us posted!
May 31, 2009 5:26 pm
I began reading your blog shortly after I started my own, and I’ve found it very inspiring. For that reason, I have nominated your for a Sisterhood Award. I look forward to hearing about what you decide about your future and the future of this blog.
Thanks again for your postings, which I have found helpful and insightful for a number of reasons…
June 2, 2009 8:15 pm
Hi there – I have to say that I am about where you are, or even maybe a bit farther down the path, having gone through my infertility in my 30s and now being mid-40s – I have cried my tears and have felt it time to move along with my life – here’s the problem, my husband- who seemed to move on much quicker than me, has reverted to sadness- something I never really saw him experience much of at the time.. I don’t know how to console him, we still agree that we will live child free at this point in our lives, but he is still sad at not being a dad – any one else experiencing this with their guys? I guess we’ll trade off these feelings forever most likely, as friends kids grow up and graduate and get married.. but his sadness is new to me and i know I can’t fix it for him..
June 2, 2009 8:51 pm
Your question is timely since I, too, have watched my guy circle back with some sadness…it really hit home when one of his colleagues was describing accompanying his son on college visits, discussing how to help the “man-child” on his way to being his own man, etc. Now that I’ve got the upper hand in my wild sea of emotions, Mr. PJ is more at ease sharing his own sadness.
It seems with each life stage transition we watch our friends go through with their children it brings back reminders of what could have been…
Fortunately I’m able to give him the space and encouragement to express himself — and as we know — acknowledging and giving voice to the feelings/ideas is the best way to work through them…
June 3, 2009 4:07 pm
Hope you have a fantastic trip and birthday celebration. I understand where you’re coming from re: a need for change. It seems the further away one gets from infertility treatments/experiences, the grief changes, and a need to let go and move forward emerges. I feel almost like a fog is lifting. Know what I mean?
No matter where you go or what you write, I hope you’ll allow us to follow along.
June 8, 2009 4:48 am
Happy birthday!! 🙂
June 8, 2009 6:27 pm
I am happy for you and sad for me, as I only found your blog a few months ago. I can’t tell you how much you’ve helped me to cope with my erratic feelings and that through your blog and wisdom, was saved from my sad self on many an occasion.
You have done your fellow inferts a tremendous service and I thank you most sincerely.
Keep on writing, you are extremely talented. I would be happy to read something by you on perhaps a different topic?
Wishing wonderful times ahead for you and Mr PJ!
June 10, 2009 10:17 pm
Happy day before your birthday, sweetie!!!
I will read you no matter where you are (um, as long as you let me!) and if you are wanting a new look…hmmmmm;-)
June 11, 2009 1:35 am
June 11, 2009 2:03 pm
HAPPY BIRTHDAY! May the next year be filled with adventure, exploration, and satisfaction!
June 11, 2009 3:00 pm
June 11, 2009 11:37 pm
Happy birthday, dear Pamela!! (Miss you!)
June 12, 2009 4:23 am
Hope you had a wonderful time away and a great birthday to boot! I will be looking forward to whatever your next steps may be…
June 23, 2009 2:12 am
A little late but Happy Birthday my friend. I think its great your taking a new leap and like all the rest I will follow you wherever you go. You have done much for so many of us, we love you.
June 25, 2009 2:07 am
I hope your sabbatical is going wonderfully!
August 11, 2009 11:14 pm
Just found your site/blog the other day. I’m 48 and thought I had come to terms until I went back to visit family; nieces, nephews and greats. When I returned home, I fell apart. Where the heck did that come from? Families. I know it’s something we’ll always carry with us, but I didn’t know I would grieve so deeply again. A site such as this is a Godsend. Thanks. I keep a blog too about this “journey” as well as other facets of my life. I hope we cross paths again.
August 12, 2009 12:36 am
Glad you found the site, Mary. It’s the ordinary things that always manage to catch us off guard, isn’t it?
February 6, 2010 3:45 pm
I came across your site and book that I think I may purchase and read. I am 44 and coming to terms. I was married from 22 to 40 to a person who originally lied to me about wanting kids and then told me if I got pregnant he would want me to abort when I was about 27. Instead of leaving him then, I stayed because I thought I loved him. He was very controlling, financially and mentally. I became resentful and angry, but stayed and worked on my career, going back to school and doing my own thing. I ended up falling in love with someone who had 2 children (now grown). I divorced and we are together. We have been trying to conceive naturally. I don’t have the money to go to a fertility doctor or adoption. My BF’s 22 year old son is having a baby soon with his girlfriend and I am very happy for him, but I had pangs of jealousy. I want to let go of anger. I know I did this to myself. I had many people around me when I was considering leaving my ex many years ago, tell me I wanted too much, that I should just be happy. They had kids, so they couldn’t relate. I helped raise one of my friend’s kids as a free babysitter. I am very grateful that I was able to have a bond with a child for a short time but that was also what tipped me off the edge to leave my husband, because I really wanted that little girl to be my own. (Not literally) My friend was totally against me leaving my husband and said, “Well, we can share her” She didn’t get it. I used to not regret my life. I now realize getting married to this man was the biggest mistake of my life. We did have some good times, but I put my dreams aside to be his wife. He actually even told me I wouldn’t be a very good mom, and I was always so worried about that because I didn’t have a very good childhood, that he was right. But I think he just wanted to keep me. Anyway, I know this is different than infertility, but my own choices left me trapped until age left me infertile. I want to be able to let it go, yet I can’t seem to throw out my fertility monitor and the stuffed animals I had saved for my “someday baby”. Thank you for letting me share. One last thought, I am very grateful that with this new relationship I have 2 grown children that think of me as family as I do with them. I also have 2 kittens which also helps with that maternal instinct.
February 6, 2010 7:12 pm
Thanks for sharing your story. It sounds like you are on the path to making things right for yourself. The first step for me in righting things was recognizing, owning and working through my emotions. For years I tried to squash similar feelings of jealousy, anger and the like associated with my experience. It only delayed the inevitable. Some things we control, some things we don’t but either way our lives unfold and we have to make sense of them.
Wishing you all the very best … I hope Silent Sorority gives you a chance to see how to work through an experience that fundamentally changed your life. Pamela
February 6, 2010 8:32 pm
Thank you so much for your response Pamela. I am anxious to read the book. I am going to get it this weekend. Today I did get rid of my monitor and put the stuffed animals in a box. I am ready. Thank you for being a support system for women and men that struggle through this. It is nice to know, I am not crazy and just a bitter women. I don’t want to be. Thanks again.