Looking for Infertility Insights?


Hello new readers and visitors…

If you’re here for infertility insights you’re in the right place. You’ll find 279 blog posts and 5,042 comments — all shared since Coming2Terms started in February 2007. Take a look around and delve into what many women around the world have shared about coming to terms with infertility.

When you’re done here, please come visit my latest blog. It launched in January 2010 with the express purpose of documenting what it looks like to move once and for all past the TTC (infertility lingo for trying to conceive) days. The no-longer-Silent-Sorority blog has since become a place for women to speak out about their experiences. You can see and hear where we are in our new lives after infertility. It was not easy to recover from the trauma. However, with the help of those participating in the infertility blogosphere, many of us have (gratefully) found peace and tranquility.

TiogaPass.2014.HalfDomeI’m now in my 50s. (That’s me and Mr. T, above, in Yosemite in 2014). With the benefit of 15 years distance from IVF, I more fully appreciate why it’s important for women and men to share their infertility war stories.  In our society everybody loves a winner. Failure? Not so much. As a result, when Mother Nature and science find their limits on the conception front couples routinely find themselves at the end of a long, painful infertility road without the support that accompanies other devastating life experiences.

See also  Head In the Clouds

Through my blogs, op-eds, speaking engagements, podcasts and interviews, I’m committed to eradicating ignorance and elevating awareness about the high failure rates of reproductive medicine, as well as the need for the “fertility” industry to provide greater support and emotional care to those who experience IVF treatment trauma and loss.

While the global fertility industry has heralded the birth of babies born via in vitro fertilization (I.V.F.) since 1978, it’s time we acknowledge and bear witness to the emotional tolls, traumas and risks associated with the millions more cycles that have resulted in failure over the last 35 years: 77 percent global failure rate in 2012 and nearly 70 percent in the United States in 2010.

Those of us who have had to pick up the pieces know all too well there are no clear instructions on what it takes to embark on a life path that doesn’t involve parenting following fertility treatment losses. Through the generosity of many the infertility insights continue to pour forth. I’m honored to be among those sharing some hard won life lessons.

Candid Conversation: A pull no punches podcast exploring life after infertility.


9 Responses

  1. Kinsey

    July 11, 2014 7:43 pm

    I am so thankful for this blog. Over probably the last month I’ve read all 279 posts, most of the comments, and the Silent Sorority book and so much of it either speaks directly to my heart or is something that I could have written myself. It’s so reassuring to know that my emotions are normal. I’m still pretty new to this exclusive community, but just knowing that there are others like me means a lot!

  2. Danielle @ Women's Infertility Support

    July 25, 2014 3:12 am

    I agree that there should be a lot more support offered to women going through fertility treatments. If the treatment happens to fails, there is a great sense of loss and failure that every Women going through this feels and these feeling should be addressed in the correct way.

  3. shree

    October 14, 2014 2:33 pm

    Hi,I’m from India and a doctor by profession.I thank everyone on this forum for saving my life.After my Postgraduation I underwent 8 cycles of IUI and 1 IVF,all of which resulted in failures.I believe everyone here can understand the process which I went through.At the end I had lost all the time where I could have continued my medical practice;money;friends who had babies.
    The final blow came to my self esteem when I had to do some foolish rituals for the sake of my In laws and hubby which I don’t even want to think about it now.

  4. shree

    October 14, 2014 2:37 pm

    Since then I was just living in a hell filled with despair;guilt;anger towards everyone and everything.I was not able to move forward in my life thinking about all the failures.This blog really saved my life and I’m starting to move on with small steps each day.
    I wish to convey my heartfelt thanks to all who helped me in this difficult situation.

  5. Debra

    October 25, 2014 5:46 pm

    I just finished reading “Silent Sorority” , I laughed, I cried and relived the memories of my years of trying to conceive. I am 57 years old, childless due to infertility with failed IVF, and many other treatments in the past. I still have good days and bads years, I went through the younger years with friend having babies, now I am going through friends having grandbabies and I like you HATE mothers day, especially at church, I have made it a ritual not to attend church on mothers day the past 5-10 years.
    I still resent pregnant people, baby showers and all that goes along with the joy of pregnancy. I can say that after reading your book, I think that I might have a new outlook on life without children and grandchildren.
    Thanks for sharing your story, it was like reading my own story, except I think you are moving on in a better way than I am. I will take your book and try to enjoy what I do have in life and move forward with you as my inspiration.
    You are a very gifted story teller. May God Bless you always

    • Pamela

      November 5, 2014 5:04 am

      Dear Debra,
      Thank you so much for your kind words. May your new outlook take deep root and continue to propel you forward. Many good wishes and peace to you.

  6. Rachel

    August 28, 2015 10:08 am

    I am in a pretty bad place right now. Yes it could be a lot worse, but it could be so much better. I need some words off people who KNOW what I’m going through. I’m 39 and have had a failed IVF attempt, endometriosis, and what is known as a half womb. I am now waiting for an egg donor and have been told this could be up to a year before finding one !!! My partner has a daughter who is 19 and guess what ?? Yep we’re going to be grandparents. I’m devastated and want nothing to do with it. I’m angry, confused, frustrated and as much as my partner is great, he can’t see it from my point of view which I understand completely, but that doesn’t take my pain away. My brother died in October and guess when she’s due. There are so many websites that I don’t know whether I’m coming or going. So many links to this that and the other. Sometimes I can be so strong, but sometimes I just don’t want to do anything. Don’t know what I’m asking, I guess I just need reassurance that it will eventually be ok, no matter the outcome. I will read your book but not today. Sorry for blabbering on and I hope someone reads this x

    • Pamela

      August 28, 2015 7:17 pm

      So very sorry, Rachel, for the emotional tsunami you are feeling at the moment. Having once been in that bad place you describe — feeling like the world was upside down or inside out…it was, in a word: overwhelming. It’s important to have a safe place to vent your thoughts and emotions. Releasing them is highly cathartic. Some people are more comfortable keeping a journal, others blogging with an alias or joining private communities or meeting with a professional counselor who can help provide tools and techniques to cope and work through the emotional responses.

      Be advised: there are various online chat boards but they are typically aimed at one of two audiences — those still trying to conceive and those who are not. It is helpful to decide, in advance, where you feel you most belong as those “TTC” are in a different head space than those who have accepted that parenting will not be in the cards for them. On the latter front, I can recommend Lisa Manterfield’s LifeWithoutBaby community and Jody Day’s Gateway Women. If you are looking for 1:1 help, Lesley Pyne offers some coaching and More to Life in the UK has some good resources.

      If my own experience and what I’ve seen from others is any indication, this difficult period will pass. I wish you strength and peace as you navigate these stormy waters. xo


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